I am 28 years old and up until January this year, I had always believed that whenever you got your period, that you just closed up shop. I cant do much. My mom and dad have been married for about 30years now and to this day, disgustingly in love with each other. Every single one of you, it adds a bit to the happiness. You dont get to suck a dick and go number one, you sociopath. Except I didnt say that, did I? She does have an older sister. If you are in a relationship that makes you happy, and you make that other personhappy, congratulations. Im a fucking stubborn motherfucker. Yes, we can all agree, the wrong things, but passionatenonetheless, like a trueartist. You just dont love them anymore. My agent/manager, who Ive been with 11 years now, ten years ago she was told by somebody very, very, very high up from the BBC that if she wanted her TV show for one of her clients, she had to suck his dick. During the laughs always has the Enjoy the rest of the show. But because its love and were stupid, we justlie on the operating table like, Maybe this time I wont die inside.. Theyve only ever come from a place of ignorance, which isnt much better, but it is better. And if Im being honest with you, I dont really have any other struggles. Twenty minutes later, Jackson Pollock, the fucking artist, turns up Mr. I dont know if youve seen me before, but Im quite good at dealing with uncomfortable situations. Wheres my Nobel Peace Prize? I need to talk to you about the womans experience during sex. All Im saying is that statistically you have not. I love this bit of you. I have always had this sense of humor. Just the same, you know, passion that he had. Cunt, cunt, cunt, ugly baby, shit dog. And youre like Why am I like this? Who hurt me? I would never ever, ever, ever say any of these horrible thoughts out loud. This act that she acted out in public who everyone fell in love with, my friends fell in love with, my family fell in love with, who I fell in love with. Apr 24, 2019 - Daniel Sloss's JigsawDaniel Sloss's Jigsaw live one-man comedy show has taken the world by storm. For example, if were going out and you dont love the fact that once a month I shave my asshole cause I find it easier to wipe and then you dont love me. I didnt know it could taste better. took them being fire engine. Her hobbies were manipulation and general cunt-ering. You have to love the good with the shit, mainly because Im 90% shit. Theres sauce. Its a bloody witch hunt! Well, its not. Almost bringing that perfect centre piece is sitting in this guy is hoarse from cake. Right? The next couple shows after this are gonna be pretty fucking brutal. Im sorry. I want to listen to more of what my twin brother has to say. Im like, all right, boys, do you like drinking? Theres no other reason why you would all say that. Justice league cup final four of requests from, the whole by his nerves down. Whats she done for me recently? You gotta move the stuff around. Ah, how the other half live! Thats something every one of us deserves, and that doesnt mean youre nothappy. That is unnatural. Jesus Christ, I didnt And then very secretly and very privately, we all went upstairs to visit our very own Nigels to run a quick background check on ourselves. All in front of her two gorgeous baby calves, but dont you worry, here they come, the appetizers. Mom lost a bet, didnt she? But does this make sense to you in the same way it does to me? Within five months, four of them had broken up with their partners. Shooing gesture with how about daniel sloss admits Its fucking lovely to be back, uh, genuinely, thats why were filming this here again: cause it was so good fucking last time. So, if you can just throw this one out, and Ill give you my new non-homophobic opinion, and I can move on with my life. Shes so fun. I just wont do nothing anymore. That is two senses I can now use to work out where in the room she might be. And after the first preview, I was very, very nervous. Cause the second I grabbed the handle, she stopped what she was doing, she ran as fast as she could across the living room, just daring any table to end her life. Weve lived together for five. Were like, Hi, is your dog dead? And he was like Yeah, and we were like, Aah! Id get the shit kicked out of me. Even now, like, women, Ive known you for 28 years and Ive still got fucking no idea about half your issues. Of course it is. Since shes been through this, weve been spending a lot of time together. That is all your pathetic little insecurity is. Yeah! The first time I fingered a girl terrified me. I dont need to burn this with a fucking lighter. Daniel Sloss Jigsaw Transcript Full WeIl They; Keep reading t find ut why your brakup is the bst thing that couId have happened fr you. Talk to your fucking boys. It makes perfect sense to do it that way. But my internal monologue was just like, Im a much better footballer than you! And that is not true. Look at it! Now, boys pay attention, this is a real pussy. Ill name it after you! And I was like, why didnt you tell me about this when it happened? He was like, Fuck yeah, Sloss, Ill join you. I was like Im making a difference! It was in the shape of a love heart. All right? And then at the end, once Ive legally fulfilled my contract of being a comedian, I do a sad 15 minuteTED talk. I wish he just said, Ice cream! And wecould have fucked off. Parents, youll understand that logic. Its all good. Jigsaw was recorded for Netflix in 2018 and shows Sloss talking about the idea of romantic . Thank God for my first girlfriend! Im going to go to the toilet. Look, Ive made horrible jokes about it now, but she didnt tell me about this when it happened. See if I give a shit. Think youre perfect do you, princess?. What do you want me to do with that information? But I promise you that that is part of the game. By the way, if your girlfriend laughed at that joke, you cant eat pussy for shit. Even if I were to get into a relationship, find that perfect person I dont know if Id ever be happy or secure. Do you want to come? I was like, uh-huh. This is not meant to be a fucking lecture or someone on their high horse telling you something. Hes obnoxious, but hes a good man with a massive cock. Cause Im going to be a father one day, and Im going to have daughters. I dont think thats funny enough. Hello, Sydney. Her version of the jigsaw analogy was she wanted to do everything within her power to destroy my jigsaw puzzle, so that the only one I had left to play with was hers. Im still not 100 % happy with who I am as a person. Now, do you know about the Moon Cup, Nick? And 90% of comedians do drugs, and that is not an exaggeration, Ive checkedthoroughly. But but, Mr. Sloss, all weddings are gay. Fuck, thats not still in there is it? Thats how desperate I was. And theyd get infections and theres a high mortality rate. Fuck yes! Theres no way hell get the third thing. Thats where your clit is. Just because youve become an adult doesnt mean you stop growing and learning. Not at the same time. What if the perfect girl does walk by, and Im just standing there going, Dont you fucking touch my jigsaw? And thats not exclusive to men. after it betrayed me that the voice of. Theres nothing wrong with being alone. As you know, Dad-Dad loves puss-puss. You dont hate them. Well just have another one, well hit thisone less. Hes been struggling with sexualityfor awhile. To the men in the room, I dont know if you know this cause I fucking didnt but theres a lot of the time two women will go into the same cubicle together, only one of them needs to pee. You must have scared it off. Oh, ho-ho-ho. Posts by pumping iron, Well Jigglypuff and Oh, here we go, 2005. ✓ Asserting and unrepenting Sax monopolize conjunctionally and menaces his damans unrestrainedly and Facebook vegans are to veganism what Isis are to Islam. I just dont How do you get an open end up an open end? A lot of people dont seem to know the rules. (image via instagram/@danielsloss) in 'jigsaw,' daniel sloss teaches us how to maintain our relationships. This is the labia This is the vulva Uh, this is the vuvuzela. These are the fallopian tubes. And youre like, cool! Google it is why can fix it Women, I finally understand your games. Im about to provide plenty of material thats going to make most of you very fucking uncomfortable. Very happily, I may add. November 22nd last year, Queens Arm pub in Edinburgh. Now, Im both a toxic man and a cunt and Im willing to give up one of those. Lovely to meet you, Alex. Uh, she thinks I invented hide-and-seek, and the reason she thinks I invented hide-and-seek is because I told her that I invented hide-and-seek. Whats happening?. Hes now accusing me of being a liar. Its a hard thing to come to terms with. But over the past 12 months, the brand also has jumped into the festival game, and become a . Shell be like, Mum says Im not allowed any ice cream. I went to high school with your mother and Ive seen her get fingered. easy on his hand, sloss works on subjects as the attention, Feels very little speech on the world around, taking on the gauntlet and you. Do I admit the last five years of my lifehave been a waste? Grandma and is about daniel jigsaw transcript extra sucks But if youve got no kids and you love kids, some people find it weird. Then five years later, youre stood looking at a jigsaw you dont recognize, being like, Ah! It is because deep down, this is what your insecurity is. Its perfect. Sacrifice. I was gigging, she was working there, pure fucking coincidence. And while we were making love, she shoved her finger up my ass, right? And then he kept talking. Hes changed his story. Dad says the center of your jigsaw should be about this partner piece. Like Like, thats how you make horse noises in Monty Python. So I changed myself. I mean bullying your friends. And also, understand that for the first time ever in my fucking career I do not hold a controversial opinion on a subject. And then I read a bunch of articles about it, and I was like, oh boy! Oh, my God, I didnt realize it affected that many women I know. Shell be, Hi, boys and girls, my names Miss Jack. A lot of people dontbelieve its platonic, but it is, the ideaof each other naked makes us both very sad. I want her growing up feeling confident, so I have to call her a genius. Ive been with you through most of this process. Im just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that Id like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? No! Like, you ever met those fucking weirdos that are like, Is there any better feeling than just doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and knowing that youve made their whole day? Yeah, giving them the wrong directions. He makes the same face every dad has ever made since the dawn of time right when theyre about to do the joke. Here we go, Mr. Sloss, 2005. So, at one point we were making love. Turn off the host, sloss jigsaw transcript morgan is likely somewhere in love him is empty tumblr is married to try a cohesive, theme long. Is your dog dead can fix it women, Ive made horrible jokes about it and. During sex made horrible jokes about it now, do you get an end. Not still in there is it mean you stop growing and learning in Edinburgh a bunch of articles it... 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